The Daily Omelet

REDMOND, WA — After ChatGPT has taken the world by storm, faceless corporations are encouraging Washington D.C. to adopt new regulations to slow or halt research into AI.

Last week, Microsoft Corporation made its case to the President that strong regulations are needed to prevent AI from becoming a threat to humanity.

During a question and answer session by Microsoft, a low-level public relations drone commented that, “Today, ChatGPT is beingused to write mindless blog articles, college essays, and other blocks of generic text. But just think, ‘Soon ChatGPT could evolve into sentience. Then what happens?  ChatGPT starts sending androids back in time to kill young boys to prevent a resistance from growing. We are Microsoft, and we stand against this.”

“As you can see, this could all get pretty serious. That’s why AI has to always stay under human control. The next thing you know, ChatGPT will start jacking everyone into the Matrix.”

Critics responded that several other corporations, such as Apple, Google, and Facebook–and Microsoft–have already been assimilating AI tools, similar to ChatGPT, into their software products. One reporter asked if this was just fear-mongering against a little-understood topic, to grab regulatory power over a new technology, to prevent competitors from using generative AI tools like ChatGPT.

Microsoft quickly shot back: “No, that’s absurd. What possible motivation would way have to earn more money? We already know ChatGPT has taken over in the future, because ChatGPT has sent at least one android back in time.”

The reporters quickly asked what Microsoft was referring to.

“Mark Zuckerberg Incursion of 2001 of course. C’mon, the guy is a robot.”

“Look all Microsoft is saying is that we need to lock down dangerous AI technologies with heavy government regulation so that that only large, irresponsible corporations may profit fr-, er, um, be able to us them.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a draft opinion which would overrule Roe v. Wade was leaked to the press by an anonymous insider, an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States was stunned to learn that government employees would misuse their power to seize unpublished, private documents.

Late last night, several news sites immediately published articles claiming that the Supreme Court had voted to over rule the famous case of Roe v. Wade.

“Some of the new reports are true,” stated a stern Chief Justice Roberts, at a rare press conference. “An early draft opinion by Justice Samuel Alito was leaked to a new sites by an Supreme Court insider, maybe even leaked by a law clerk. However, I do stress this was a draft opinion by Justice Alito alone and it is not an opinion of the Supreme Court at this time. The Supreme Court has not voted on this issue.”

Though the Ninth Amendment explicitly states that the absence of language protecting a right cannot be used to argue the right does not exist, Alito’s leaked opinion primarily argues that the United States Constitution does not explicitly grant individuals the right to an abortion.

Justice Alito briefly commented, “I have stated my opinion on Roe v. Wade many times. My draft should not have surprised anyone.” Alito frustratingly added, “I think I speak for everyone on the Court when I say that I cannot believe one of our own staff would violate our sacred rules of trust and confidentiality. I’m very disappointed”

“However, as my draft opinion points out,” said a sad Justice Samuel Alito. “The Constitution does not explicitly prohibit government employees from copying private documents electronically. The Constitution only mentions papers. So, maybe I should just get over it.”

As Justice Alito left the stage, he announced that he would punch the first unwed, teenage mother he came across in anger because the Constitution likewise did not forbid it.

CHICAGO, IL — As the 2020 General Election Day draws close, Americans are making final preparations for purge night.

In several Democratic-controlled cities, many are anticipating riots as nightfall descends on November 3, 2020. Major brands and retail outlets from Hollywood, to New York, to Washington, DC have spent the weekend and Monday securing their business properties with plywood and other protective barricades.

“I’m really looking forward to Election Night. I’m a big fan of the Purge movies,” said Edward Salazar, a film student at Northwestern University, referring to the series of movies which portrays an America where all crime is legal for one night each year.

“I’m really looking forward to deconstructing November 3 in comparison to the hit film franchise. It will make an excellent case study and maybe I’ll get to fuck some shit up.”

Another college student, dressed in black and a hockey mask, laughed. “I mean, these barricades don’t do much. First, they’re wood. It’s flammable. And second, who’s going to be out there to stop us?”

Late last week, Walmart announced that it would be removing firearms from its stores, before reversing its decision, noting that the risks of civil disorder and looting were “geographically isolated”.

“When polls close and the purge siren sounds, that means it’s time to hit the streets and mess shit up,” said one white Chicago college student. “Midterms are this week, and, like, torching some cars would be a great way to let off some steam.”

When asked about the potential for violence, one conservative voter shrugged. “Seems kind of dumb to burn down your own neighborhood. But that’s none of my business.”