MANHATTAN, NEW YORK — Following the Fall increases in coronavirus cases, numerous Americans wearing dirty diapers on their faces are expressing their confusion.
In the face of a shortage of N95 respirators, the CDC stated that diapers and other face masks were a viable form of a personal protection from the virus.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” mumbled Jeremy Jacobs through his face diaper. “We know that face coverings decrease the spread of coronavirus, and we’ve shamed millions of people into wearing masks. But the number of cases keeps going up. This doesn’t make any sense.”
Recent studies have shown that, even as mask use has increased, the number of Americans who actually wash and disinfect their face diapers is extremely low. That some people wear the same mask for weeks or months between washings. Some never wash them at all.
“What’s important is that we’re all showing our solidarity against the pandemic by wearing a face covering. Even if it’s a diaper. It’s not dirty. I’ve just been breathing the contents of my lungs into this cloth material for weeks at a time. I mean, it’s not like a child pooped in it or anything.”
When asked when he last washed his face diaper, Jacobs shrugged, touched his hands to the uncovered part of his face, and sighed. “The spike in cases is truly mystery. We may never understand completely.”
Jacobs then tussled his hair, walked away from the interview, and brushed against dozens of other diaper-wearing New Yorkers as he tried to enter a subway car.