WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking twist, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barret was outed as a member of an ancient religious cult during today’s Senate confirmation hearings.
During questioning, Barrett was repeatedly evasive about how should would rule on cases like Roe v. Wade. Barrett replied that should could not answer how should would rule on a particular case, and intoned that her predecessor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, responded similarly in her own confirmation hearings.
A prominent Senate Democrat cut in and responded that unfortunate information had come to light about Barret’s religious beliefs. “Having taught at Notre Dame Law School before being appointed to the federal judiciary, Ms. Barrett is known to be a member of an ancient religious society.”
“However, it has just come to our attention that Ms. Barret”s religious cult worships a dead Jewish man. They claim he rose from the dead thousands of years ago to judge mankind. Whose laws will she be applying?
“And I have it on good authority, that these cultists both drink their zombie god’s blood and flesh as a symbol of their eternal loyalty. Worse yet, they have culturally appropriated the name of my gardener.”
Gasps and silence fell upon the Senate Chamber.
One Democrat broke the silence: “Well, with that kind of alarming caricature, I don’t see how any Senator would could support her nomination.”
Senate Republicans proceeded to move Amy Coney Barret’s nomination forward.