After recent photos show Mike Tyson pummeling an annoying passenger on a Jet Blue, the FAA has quickly announced that every U.S. flight will now require a Mike Tyson on board.
“At first, we didn’t think this was a security measure that the flying public would tolerate,” said Lauren Colewright, spokeswomen for the Federal Aeronautics Association. “So far, the social media response of having Michael unleashing airline justice have been overwhelmingly positive. So, we’re announcing that Operation Punch-Out will be tested in major U.S. markets.”
Mike Tyson, famous heavyweight boxing champion in the 1980s, had no immediate comment. Nicknamed “Iron Mike” and “Kid Dynamite” in his early career, and later known as “The Baddest Man on the Planet”, Tyson is widely known as one of the greatest heavyweight boxers of all time. Following the infamous biting of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a match, Tyson encountered celebrity and legal troubles. Years later, he was able to recast himself as a voice-over actor and actor. Still, he is known for his boxing moves.
“Through, an emergency Department of Justice program, Sky Marshal Tyson will roam America’s skies, keeping America safe.” Colewright trailed off, looking into the distance.
“At least, until all the Tysons can be activated,” she commented, referencing the well known Cold War program to clone a super-army of Mike Tysons to defend America. Most politicians thought the program had been deactivated decades ago.
Appearing next to the FAA spokesman, General Thomas Marcel of the U.S. Joint Forces Command commented that, despite previous reports and budgets, the Department of Defense never cancelled Project Tyson. “Even with the God-less Commie threat gone, we knew a day would come where we would need him. Er, them. And I speak for most Americans, but I’m sick and tired of annoying passengers. What has happened? On my last flight, someone actually took his shoes off. Iron Mike wouldn’t tolerate that shit.”
Not everyone views the FAA’s mobilization of a clone army of highly trained Mike Tysons as wise. One anonymous protester at the press conference said that unleashing an unstoppable wave of Tysons would have repercussions that couldn’t be predicted.
“Still, I would trust Mike Tyson more than the TSA.”
