LOS ANGELES, CA — A drummer for a band that has not released a platinum album since 1989 bravely announced he would leave the United States if the wrong candidate wins an upcoming election.
“I just think, man, how could Americans be so stupid to elect the guy I don’t like,” said the singer who made his fortune from those very Americans.
The former celebrity was born in Greece but came to America early in life where he found success as a musician in the Los Angeles scene. Briefly in the 90s, the drummer became well known for making a sex-tape with his now-forgotten celebrity ex-wife. Except for occasional tabloid stories about the celebrity’s trouble with drugs and alcohol, he has largely faded from public relevance.
The aging rock star explained his recent claim to move: “The thing that stings the most is that I feel like [America] is embarrassing,” he said, evidencing that he derives his sense of self-worth by the way other people feel about him, and by extension, his country.
“I feel like people in Europe and the rest of the world look at America and think: ‘What the fuck are you guys doing over there? Stop voting for celebrities and get someone real to run the country,” said the forgotten celebrity offering advice on how to “run” a country.
When asked what he planned to do, he shrugged and said, “I’ll probably return to Greece, which has professional European politicians and a much better economic and political environment.”