Nickelodeon to Host Second Presidential Debates

ORLANDO, FL — Confusion reigns after the Commission on Presidential Debates quickly cancelled the presidential debate on October 15 and the Trump campaign has declined to participate in a last-minute “virtual debate”. Fortunately, children’s television network Nickelodeon has announced that it has reached agreements on all sides to host the Second Debate. Mike O’Malley has tentatively signed on as moderator.

“Nickelodeon is really excited to be involved in this issue of national importance,” said a spokesman for Nickelodeon. “The debate commission was open to exploring new ideas, but both campaigns were hesitant to some of the changes to the format.”

A spokesman from the Commission on Presidential Debates appearing in the press conference nodded in agreement. “We think some of these format changes will really enhance voters’ viewing experience.”

“Totally,” interrupted Nickelodeon. “It’s really a fusion of awesome ideas. During the first rounds, if anyone interrupts the other candidate? SLIMED!”

“If someone goes over their time? Release the Temple Guards!”

“But even in Round 3–where it could still be anybody’s game–both Trump and Biden will have to climb the Super Aggro Crag.” An ominous rumble of boulders sounded in the distance.

“And there’s no reason to worry about COVID-19. We will follow established protocols. And that green slime is highly antiseptic. Really, no one should ever touch it.”

With only days until the Nickelodeon debates, the Trump campaign has not issued a public response. Commentators speculate that Trump’s recent infection with COVID-19 would impair his athletic performance. The Biden campaign responded only that, “Biden wants a piece of that Crag.”

The spokesperson for the debate commission jumped in: “We’re seeing this as a huge improvement over our previous debate formats.”

“I mean,” said Nickelodeon’s spokesperson, “We are basically dealing with two children here.” Both spokesmen shared an uncomfortable laugh before trailing into a despondent, thousand-yard stare, weeping for the future of the American Republic.