The Daily Omelet

NEW YORK, NY — With less than two weeks until the election, former President Barack Obama recently broke tradition and spoke out against President Trump. In response, many Democrats fondly tweeted their admiration for the former president with the hashtag #ObamaWasBetterAtEverything.

“When Obama was president, we could really count on our military to kill foreigners quietly and efficiently,” one Biden-supporter tweeted. “I’m really looking forward to having an administration that can export death on a massive scale again, while excusing us from having to speak out against it. It’s been really exhausting #ObamaWasBetterAtEverything”

“Trump couldn’t even assassinate a world leader like Obama did in Libya. All Trump could do was strategically cripple ISIS while also brokering peace agreements between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates. ObamaWasBetterAtEverything”

“And then there were the massive immigration concentration camps that Obama’s administration built,” joked one Democrat supporter. “But we didn’t call them that, then. Haha. Trump convinced Mexico to crackdown on surging illegal immigration, so fewer people would enter the Obama camps. Why did we build them? #ObamaWasBetterAtEverything”

“Seriously. Our current talking point is that Trump has lied over 20,000 vague times,” tweeted another Biden supporter. “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan. Amirite? #ObamaWasBetterAtEverything”

“We just want Obama’s old vice president to make American great again. So we can go back to not thinking about some of the awful policies we support #ObamaWasBetterAtEverything”

LONDON, UK — The United Kingdom has announced that it plans to change its long-held and ancient practice of drawing and quartering homeless people. Instead by 2025, the UK has vowed to only cut homeless people in half.

This detracts from the ancient English practice of drawing and quartering. Amnesty International has long-condemned the British practice of hanging, drawing, and quartering socially undesirable individuals.

“Back in the 1910s, we got rid of the hanging and drawing. With the first war on, it was really too expensive. You need a hangman, four horses, and four men to drive the horses. Really, it’s jolly good fun, but the labor costs alone have become cost prohibitive.”

“We found that the remaining custom–just cutting homeless people into several bits–was excessively cruel,” announced a representative of Her Majesty’s government. “Further, at least four cuts is still a bit excessive and the clean-up costs have only increased. Why both with all that when one good stroke can do the trick?”

“From now on–,” he snapped his fingers, “It’s once right down the middle.”

Pundits subsequently debated whether the stroke meant vertically or horizontally, as a horizontal technique would likely fit the current government’s austerity measures whereas a vertical cut would be a whole lot of bother.

When asked whether that is really what was meant by the campaign, the government’s representative scoffed that, “Well, we bloody well invented the language, didn’t we?”

PALO ALTO, CA — In a stunning revelation, the New York Post published an original story documenting emails recovered from Hunter Biden’s old laptop which show that Hunter Biden may have sold access to Vice President Joe Biden during 2015.

Rather than report on the facts of the story, The New York Times ignored it completely. Numerous journalists at the Times harshly criticized two Times and Politico journalist’s for even discussing the story publicly on Tiwtter, because it was “amplifying the story” and “putting it into the news cycle.”

Most recently, the New York Post readers found that Facebook and Twitter will not allow the article to be linked to from their social media platforms, arguing that the news article violates their Community Guidelines.

“We think it serves American democracy best if voters don’t seriously consider that the Biden family might have possibly sold access to the highest levels of the United States government,” said spokesmen from Facebook and Twitter.

“Protecting a candidate who pledges to protect our business follows our current Community Guidelines. Don’t forget to vote!”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Several prominent Biden campaign offices have been awarded the new “Racist” badge on the popular online review platform, Yelp.

Last summer, Biden publicly announced that African Americans who did not support him were not black, signaling the first time a white presidential candidate has publicly race-shamed voters into supporting him.

While many new outlets dismissed Biden’s racist comments as a public gaffe, many Americans forget that Biden was first elected to the U.S. Senate on a platform of keeping black families out of wealthy Connecticut communities and schools. Also, that Biden was the chief architect of federal U.S. drug laws that helped his running mate, Kamala Harris, put many more African Americans in prison. Sometimes for life.

So, it was no surprise that Biden’s campaign quickly received the Yelp “Racist” badge after several thousand anonymous reports of racism.

A spokesman for the Biden campaign. “This is clearly a political ploy by Republicans to bring attention to Joe Biden’s long history. Republicans are the real racists here. Why haven’t they been reported on Yelp?”

When asked whether the Biden would reverse any of the racist policies he has supported over his multi-decade career, that Biden campaign responded that it “declined to make any specific commitments at this time.”

Facebook comments appeared a short while later commenting that Republican campaign offices were earning Racism badges too, with claims that Donald Trump is a white supremacist. When asked to respond to the new badges, the Trump campaign said that people on Facebook should, “stand back and stand by.”

Social media users also complained that the badge was intentionally divisive and would be easily abused. Many people deleted their original comments for fear being labeled racists.

Yelp recently rolled out the Racist badge this week a way for users to identify businesses which have been accused of racist behavior. A Yelp employee who spoke on condition of anonymity described the problem:

“We’re not trying to downplay actual racism, but we’ve noticed a steady uptick in racial complaints against businesses on Yelp. Someone forgets to put ketchup packets in a take-out order and someone complains on Twitter or Facebook that it must have been because of racism. When dozens of other Internet crusaders see it, they trash that business’s review pages all over the Internet. Unfortunately, Yelp is one of those platforms. Yelp is supposed to be based on personal reviews, and so this kind of mob mentality defeats the purpose of Yelp. It really undercuts the valuable information that Yelp provides.”

“So obviously, Yelp management though the very best way to combat online mobs would be to publicly accuse a business or unsubstantiated racism and shut down all comments on their Yelp page,” he said with a chuckle. “Go figure.”

Yelp has not yet said whether a business can appeal the badge or how it can be removed.

A few hours later, Daily Omelet discovered that Yelp’s page had itself received a racist badge. Yelp quietly removed it. A spokesman for Yelp explained, “Well, of course Yelp isn’t racist.”