WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a draft opinion which would overrule Roe v. Wade was leaked to the press by an anonymous insider, an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States was stunned to learn that government employees would misuse their power to seize unpublished, private documents.
Late last night, several news sites immediately published articles claiming that the Supreme Court had voted to over rule the famous case of Roe v. Wade.
“Some of the new reports are true,” stated a stern Chief Justice Roberts, at a rare press conference. “An early draft opinion by Justice Samuel Alito was leaked to a new sites by an Supreme Court insider, maybe even leaked by a law clerk. However, I do stress this was a draft opinion by Justice Alito alone and it is not an opinion of the Supreme Court at this time. The Supreme Court has not voted on this issue.”
Though the Ninth Amendment explicitly states that the absence of language protecting a right cannot be used to argue the right does not exist, Alito’s leaked opinion primarily argues that the United States Constitution does not explicitly grant individuals the right to an abortion.
Justice Alito briefly commented, “I have stated my opinion on Roe v. Wade many times. My draft should not have surprised anyone.” Alito frustratingly added, “I think I speak for everyone on the Court when I say that I cannot believe one of our own staff would violate our sacred rules of trust and confidentiality. I’m very disappointed”
“However, as my draft opinion points out,” said a sad Justice Samuel Alito. “The Constitution does not explicitly prohibit government employees from copying private documents electronically. The Constitution only mentions papers. So, maybe I should just get over it.”
As Justice Alito left the stage, he announced that he would punch the first unwed, teenage mother he came across in anger because the Constitution likewise did not forbid it.